8 Tips on How to Control Anger in a Relationship

Anger is a human emotion that is bound to be felt in a relationship. Despite loving your partner deeply, there do come times in life when you feel annoyed and angry at them. Or sometimes you subject them to an outburst that may have been caused by someone else.

It could lead to serious problems if the frequency and intensity of such outbursts increase. Therefore, it is essential to control anger in a relationship.

control anger in a relationship

Continue reading to learn what causes anger in a relationship, how anger damages relationships, and ways to get rid of anger problems in a relationship so you can maintain healthy fulfilling relations.

Why Anger Is Challenging in a Relationship?

why anger is challenging in a relationship

How often do you get angry, what are the things that anger you, how do you behave while angry, and how do you manage anger are essential things that matter in a relationship.

When it is all roses and buds, a relationship seems natural and second nature, but the real test arises in situations where it is not all flowery. Yet, you have to manage your emotions and behaviors to move past them.

However, anger management in relationships is easier said than done. Sometimes, things get out of control, and your partner becomes an easy target of your angst and anger. It is still pardonable if it’s a small retort or a snark reply once in a blue moon.

Still, if you just lose your senses when angry and become an evil person who spews hateful comments, lower down to verbal abuse, and even worse, have physically abused a person, then it’s just a downward spiral. Some things remain in the heart and slowly weaken relationships until it deteriorates down to a feeble facade that you portray for others, and this is one of them.

A relationship should be one where the two individuals should not be walking on eggshells to avoid the risk of triggering the other person. You should never be scared of the other person. And this is where the challenge lies.

Yes, there will be days where you will be angry, frustrated, and annoyed to your core, and yet you will have to find a way to appropriately express your emotions so that your relationship does not get affected.

5 Causes of Anger That Can Create Problems in a Relationship

  1. Lack of Emotional Awareness
  2. Lack of Assertiveness
  3. Negative Self-Talk
  4. Difficult to Perform Activities
  5. Avoiding Situations You Enjoy

There are many different causes of anger in relationships. Let’s check out the primary ones in detail.

1. Lack of Emotional Awareness

In the last two decades, shutting ourselves by drowning amidst technology, screens, and social media has become common. One problem it has created is the decrease in recognizing, acknowledging, and communicating about your and your partner’s emotions. We feel sad; we scroll on our screens. We feel angry; we scroll on our screens angrily.

This lack of emotional awareness and, ultimately, the lack of adequate communication is one of the biggest causes of relationship problems. You bottle up your feelings and emotions instead of communicating them to your partner until you either blow up or get angry at your partner for not fulfilling your emotional needs when you didn’t even communicate them in the first place.

2. Lack of Assertiveness

It is imperative to note that there is a difference between assertiveness and aggression. In a relationship, what you should aspire to have is assertiveness, not aggression. If you feel that your partner intentionally or unintentionally wronged you, then you must discuss it in an aggressive manner. Not doing so will only increase resentment and lead to aggression or passive-aggression that damage the relationship.

3. Negative Self-Talk

Sometimes when you are angry due to professional problems or other personal problems that do not concern your partner, you tend to indulge in negative self-talk. Blaming yourself for whatever goes wrong, being your biggest critic, and talking ill about yourself are the easiest things that you can do. What you don’t understand is that such expressions of anger can impact your relationship. It not only negatively influences you, but also your partner.

When you feel like a failure, they feel like a failure for not being able to make you believe in your goodness and qualities. They feel sad, and they feel inadequate that they are unable to help you. Projecting your anger, insecurities, and negativity on your partner influences both you and your relationship.

4. Difficult to Perform Activities

Ever experienced an instance where you were looking forward to a movie or meet-up with friends, and then you don’t even feel like going on the day of the event as your partner is upset. It is natural to pick up your partner’s energy. If they feel happy, then the happiness seeps into you. If they are lazy and lethargic, you tend to have a slow day as well.

Similarly, if they are stressed and angered, you feel down too. You don’t feel like doing anything–your work, house chores, tend to commitments, etc. If this happens repeatedly, it could become a massive problem.

5. Avoiding Situations You Enjoy

If your partner gets easily angry, you can’t help but avoid talking about certain things and sharing some things. This should not be the case. Two people in a relationship should not be calculating each of their moves, preparing themselves to talk about something that their partner would not like, canceling events, and not sticking with commitments because of the risk of upsetting their partners. This should not be the case.

Your partner should be the one you run to, to share anything and everything. Ask yourself if you and your partner are like this. If not, this is what you should aim for.

8 Tips to Control Your Anger in a Relationship

It is important to handle anger in a relationship so that a moment of fury does not cause irreparable damage to your cherished relationship.

  1. Examine Your Words Before You Speak
  2. Be Assertive Without Being Confrontational
  3. Add Humor to Diffuse Tension
  4. Take Regular Short Breaks
  5. Participate in Physical Activities
  6. Don’t Hold Grudges
  7. Practice Relaxation Techniques
  8. Opt for Anger Management Classes

Here are some tips that will help you control anger in a relationship:

1. Examine Your Words Before You Speak

This is as simple as it gets. It doesn’t matter if the person you are talking to is the love of your life. You still can’t say mean things and expect that it won’t affect your partner, your relationship, and the love they have for you.

The easiest way to assess your words is to question whether you would like it if your partner said these to you. If not, then certainly communicate your point but replace the mean words with something less offensive.

2. Be Assertive Without Being Confrontational

Has your partner’s words hurt you? Did you feel offended by something they did before your family and friends? Do you feel they cannot maintain a healthy work-life balance, and your relationship is affected?

You can talk about these even more severe topics without risking your relationship. The key is to be assertive while maintaining your cool and to listen to understand instead of just responding. Playing blame games and making the other person feel guilty about something they did will not help. So, choose appropriate communication over confrontation and solve all problems.

3. Add Humor to Diffuse Tension

Some days, your partner may just not be having a good day. Every small thing could be annoying to them. Try to be gentle and understanding, especially on these days.

You feel that a small thing is being made into a big issue. Diffuse the tension with humor before it happens, and you and your partner will be thankful later.

4. Take Regular Short Breaks

Just like you need breaks from work even if you are passionate about it, you need to take breaks from the person you love. The thought behind this is well known, “distance makes the hearts grow fonder.”

Having to be around each other 24/7 could exhaust all the love you have for each other. Before every small little quirk of your partner begins to annoy you, take a break. You will see it will add a new spark to your life.

5. Participate in Physical Activities

If you need any more reasons to involve yourself in physical activities, it is this: it helps you discharge negative thoughts and energy.

When you have been engrossed in work all day, and your idea of having fun and relaxing is to lay on the couch, it may have some repercussions on your health and your relationship. You become lazy and unmotivated, and both you and your partner tend to get annoyed at each other.

Therefore, participate in physical exercises. The ideal scenario is that both of you sign up for a physical activity that you enjoy. It could be boxing, hiking, running, or gyming.

6. Don’t Hold Grudges

Holding grudges against each other in a relationship is the foolproof way to weaken it.

If your partner has made a mistake, you have discussed it, and they have apologized, move past it. Forgive them for it, and never bring it up again.

7. Practice Relaxation Techniques

Apart from deep breathing, which we are sure you know the benefits of, there are a variety of relaxation techniques that you can learn and practice when you feel angry.

These relaxation techniques help you calm yourself down. Practice them, and you will be grateful for not responding erratically in the spur of the moment.

8. Opt for Anger Management Classes

If you can’t control your temper in a relationship, and there is nothing that you do that seems to help then you should consider taking anger management classes.

There are several courses that are designed by experts that can help you recognize your triggers and help manage your anger in a relationship. Anger management classes online are designed to provide people with the tools and techniques they need to properly manage their anger. More than 10000+ customers have already taken our course.


If you and your partner experience bursts of anger that you are not able to control, then you would have an idea about the effects of anger on relationships. Anger destroys relationships, and before your relationship begins to tread on that path, you must seek ways to resolve it.

In this blog, we discussed the causes of anger in a relationship, its effects, and how you can control anger, if not fully get rid of anger in your relationship.

We highly recommend that you adopt active and assertive communication with your partner so that you talk about stuff before it leads to uncontrollable anger. Also, if there are anger issues in your partner, then we recommend that you both take part in physical activity.

This will help you get closer, and also give you a source to release your anger and other negativity. Lastly, if you want a tried-and-tested way of anger management in anger, then you should get enrolled in an online anger management class taught by an expert.

Carlos Todd PhD LCMHC

Dr. Carlos Todd PhD LCMHC specializes in anger management, family conflict resolution, marital and premarital conflict resolution. His extensive knowledge in the field of anger management may enable you to use his tested methods to deal with your anger issues.


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