How To Deal with Anger After Divorce?
Our culture has taught us that feeling angry is improper. When a temper starts to flare, one should be restrained, managed, or, if possible, “extinguished.” But what happened to the idea that we should healthily express our emotions to move on?
The other sentiments and emotions that one or both couples experience following a divorce are legitimate, but only anger comes with the need that we control it.
The ex is often seen to have betrayed you through adultery, abuse, poor money management, or unmet demands. Each partner will struggle with the feelings-driven, personal charges.
Is it normal to be angry after a divorce?
After a divorce, especially if there was any wrongdoing, one of the parties, usually you, will feel betrayed or let down by the ex by departing.
Similarly, you are upset with yourself for tolerating the conduct for so long. Blaming yourself for not recognizing the issues sooner leads to pain, which increases your ex’s resentment of you.
Any feelings, including anger after a loss, are a normal part of the process when moving on. For example, fury frequently comes before grief or despair after a divorce.
When this happens, it’s crucial to completely surrender to what your heart and mind are experiencing; don’t strive to be the brave or strong person, as so many people may urge.
Fighting emotions won’t make you more resilient. Instead, you’ll get stronger and healthier in the long run if you follow the stages of loss as they naturally occur.
Why do some people feel angry at their ex years later?
Many couples struggle with burning emotions like blame and divorce rage after a split. However, these usually lead to acceptance and moving on.
Unfortunately, some ex-partners continue to harbor their anger, making it difficult for them to move on in the future. The reason you’re in this situation may be that you don’t want to move inward.
When you do that, you’ll have to consider whether you should have left or if you should have recognized the issues before your spouse did. That doesn’t mean you have to blame yours.
Regardless of whether there was misbehavior, it’s time to look in the mirror if you constantly accuse the other person and list the reasons they ended the relationship. Then, work through those emotions since they are probably causing the obstacle.
In many situations, it is too difficult to ponder the possibility that you may have addressed the problem sooner or contributed to the marriage breakdown. Being angry at someone else, pointing out their mistakes, and yelling blame and strife is simpler and safer.
9 Tips To Overcome Your Anger During the Divorce
Everybody has a different technique for managing their emotions. Your approach to handling your anger and divorce will be very different from that of your friend.
It is crucial to allow yourself to feel the feeling and see it in a healthy, productive way—looking at yourself and your ex—. Here are some pointers on how to approach certain situations:
1. Identify the Triggers
Typically, certain factors cause rage episodes to occur when you encounter your ex or even as your wedding anniversary approaches could be the trigger.
Knowing what triggers your reactions will make handling the problem when it occurs much simpler. Then, prepare for the trigger by finding a way to cool the reaction.
2. Physical Exercises
The stress hormone cortisol, which increases blood pressure and heart rate, is reduced by exercise. So to stay active, go running, to the gym, to a fitness class, on a walk, or a cleaning binge.
Some people believe that striking an object, such as while playing tennis, golf, or bowling, is a better way to get their anger out. For example, some people spar while wearing boxing gloves.
3. Write It Out
Express your anger in great detail. Write down your emotions, then note how relieving this exercise is. Do not send it; shred it up afterward or burn it. Keeping a notebook and writing down your ideas is one alternative to this.
Strong emotions may be released in this way; months from now, one can reflect on the process and see how far healing has come.
4. Talk To A Close Friend
When you are anticipating a grim conclusion, they will listen and help you consider your situation. They remind you of all the good things in your life, helping you see the balance. One might feel less alone after a divorce by having the support of friends.
5. Opt for An Anger Management Class
When dealing with anger during divorce, anger management classes can help you control your emotions. Online anger management classes focus on assisting the individual with identifying anger triggers and utilizing strategies to help you manage the symptoms of anger.
6. Speak to A Counselor
It’s advisable to consider getting assistance from people other than your friends and family if you’re not handling your anger after divorce as well as you believe you should be, and it’s been a long time since the divorce was finalized.
Even with a loving inner group, it’s never shameful to seek help from a therapist or counselor when you’re having trouble moving through the emotional stages.
You deserve praise for having the fortitude to acknowledge how difficult it is. It’s one of the biggest obstacles someone will ever face, and many individuals need psychological support to help them get through it successfully.
7. Focus on the Facts
It’s simple to assume that you’ll eventually make up even when you’re furious.
To go past the point of being furious and into the other phases of loss, it is crucial to keep your mind grounded in the reality of the situation and acknowledge that the marriage has ended.
While in this stage, you won’t be able to consider how your life will change or make decisions.
Instead, you’ll look for justifications to expand on what happened and why to address the issue. This is where you need to look in the mirror and begin your inner work if you’re stuck.
8. Use “I-messages”
Using I-messages can help you control your anger, but first, you need to understand what they are and how they can help you. I-messages are focused on expressing your feelings in a personalized manner. For instance, you can say, “I need to work on my anger issue,” or “I will find love.” These messages can help you accept your responsibility and curb the anger associated with divorce.
9. Forgive, or let go
After a divorce, forgiveness must finally take the place of anger. Your ex is undoubtedly the focus, but you frequently have resentment toward yourself as well. After a divorce, it is usually justified for a spouse to harbor animosity toward the other.
In most cases, there is misconduct, maybe an affair. However, you own some fault because you failed to see it and take action more quickly.
Blame and rage must make way for forgiveness over time. That would be for your overall pleasure and development and to ensure that no one has any control over you.
5 Tips To Anger During and After the Divorce
Even though most adults think they can get angry during the divorce proceedings, you will feel angry and betrayed even after the finalization of the divorce. So here are some tips for dealing with anger and stepping into the new stage of your life with a positive mindset.
1. Plan for the Future
After a divorce, you may start making decisions for the future if you can get over your resentment. Even though it could be difficult, trying to concentrate part of your attention on making plans for your future moves will help you deal with the loss in specific ways.
You may have thought you had everything figured out and had discovered your future, but you now need to consider your other options.
2. Avoid the Dating Pool for some time
There are other stages after divorce in addition to working over your anger. Before trying to start a dating life, it’s imperative to ensure you have fully recovered and are healthy. It wouldn’t be fair to you or the other folks you’re meeting.
You should show the healthiest, most at ease, freshly single, interested in a relationship but not eager for one version of yourself to the world. Even then, you could discover that the time could be better. So give yourself as much time as necessary.
3. Find New Places to Hang Out
You may have favorite regular haunts, but if these were locations you frequented together, consider other possibilities. Instead of avoiding the potential of running into your ex, you don’t want to start a fight.
4. Practice Patience
Even though it may be difficult, try to have patience with your ex. Although some people may take a long time to move through the phases of loss, empathy and understanding may frequently help ease the process.
If your ex chooses to trade their rage for empathy, it could assist in defusing the situation and finally eliminate resentment and hatred.
5. Think about Happy Moments
Realizing that there is excellence among the annoying things is beneficial. This practice can help one have a happier attitude toward life. Your life was not always as it is now, and it is essential to appreciate the happy moments.
Rather than focusing on the negatives, start thinking about the time you enjoyed and control your anger.
Conclusion
During the divorce process, anger is a typical feeling to experience. It reflects the depth of love you shared throughout your marriage, and after it ended, there was no other way to convey the abrupt shift in your life’s physical, mental, and emotional makeup. So the answer was to get angry.
It need not, however, continue to be the answer. In reality, it would help your case if the illogical aspects of rage were dealt with before the start of the legal procedure, but since we are just human, we cannot always control how our emotions are handled. All we can do is develop as people and learn to moderate the strength of our feelings.
Dr. Carlos Todd PhD LCMHC specializes in anger management, family conflict resolution, marital and premarital conflict resolution. His extensive knowledge in the field of anger management may enable you to use his tested methods to deal with your anger issues.
Responses